Most parents want the same thing for their child: to grow up feeling capable, valued, and secure in who they are. Yet self-esteem can feel harder to nurture than almost anything else in parenting. There is no chart with hours or milestones, no clear signal that tells you whether you are getting it right. And nowadays, the pressures working against a child’s self-esteem, comparison culture, academic stress, social media, are more constant and harder to shield children from than they were even a decade ago. It is worth naming that clearly: what your child is navigating is genuinely different from what most parents experienced growing up, and it makes sense that the old instincts do not always feel like enough.
The good news is that self-esteem is not fixed. It is shaped over time by everyday interactions, not by a single conversation or a single hard year, and research gives us a fairly clear picture of what actually helps.
What the Research Says Builds Self-Esteem
Self-esteem develops through repeated experiences of feeling capable, feeling loved regardless of performance, and being given the chance to face manageable challenges and work through them. It is not built through constant praise, and it is not built by shielding children from every disappointment. Studies on parent-child relationships consistently find that how parents respond to a child’s successes and failures shapes their sense of self-worth more than the outcomes themselves. Children whose parents respond to failure with encouragement rather than criticism tend to develop stronger self-esteem, and this effect works partly through the quality of the parent-child relationship itself.
Self-compassion also plays a bigger role than many parents expect. Children who learn to treat themselves with patience when they make mistakes, rather than harsh self-criticism, show greater resilience and motivation over time. Parents model this less through what they say to their child and more through how they talk about their own mistakes out loud.
Obstacles to Building Self-Esteem
Social comparison through social media and screens. Children and teens now see curated highlight reels of other kids’ lives constantly, and research links heavy social media use to worsened body image and lower self-worth, particularly among adolescent girls. Comparison used to happen occasionally, at school or on a sports team. Now it can happen dozens of times a day.
Praise that focuses on talent or results rather than effort. Praise itself is good for kids, and parents should keep doing it. What research points to is that the type of praise matters. Studies on children’s responses to praise found that kids praised for being smart or talented after a success became more likely to avoid challenges afterward and showed less resilience when they later failed, compared to kids praised for their effort or strategy. A child told “you’re so smart” may become more afraid of failure, since a poor result threatens the identity they were praised for. Shifting praise toward what a child actually did, rather than who they are, keeps the same encouragement without that downside.
Academic and extracurricular pressure. Many children today feel their worth is tied to grades, performance, or achievement in ways that leave little room for simply being a beginner at something. This is particularly hard on perfectionistic children and those with learning differences or ADHD, who may already feel like they are falling short by comparison.
Harsh or conditional feedback at home. Even well-intentioned parents can unintentionally damage self-esteem through frequent criticism, comparisons with siblings or peers, or communication that feels conditional on performance. This does not require yelling or cruelty. Subtle patterns, sighing after a bad grade or consistently redirecting conversation to what needs improvement, send a message over time.
Bullying and social exclusion. Peer relationships remain one of the strongest influences on a child’s self-worth, and exclusion or bullying, including the kind that now follows children home through their phones, can have a lasting impact.
Strategies Parents Can Use
Praise effort and process, not just outcome or talent. Instead of “you’re so smart,” try naming what your child actually did: “you worked through that problem even when it was frustrating.” This teaches children that effort and persistence, not innate talent, are what lead to growth.
Let children struggle with manageable challenges. Stepping in too quickly to fix a problem sends the message that you do not think they can handle it. Letting a child wrestle with a hard puzzle, a tricky friendship moment, or a disappointing grade, while staying nearby for support, builds real confidence because it is earned rather than given.
Respond to failure with curiosity instead of criticism. When a child comes home with a bad grade or a lost game, resist the urge to immediately point out what went wrong. Ask what they learned, or how they feel about it, before offering feedback. This keeps the relationship steady and shows your child that your love is not conditional on their performance.
Model self-compassion out loud. When you make a mistake, whether it is burning dinner or losing your patience, narrate how you talk to yourself about it. Children absorb the tone parents use toward themselves as much as the tone parents use toward them.
Give children real responsibilities. Chores, decisions, and age-appropriate independence build a genuine sense of competence that compliments alone cannot provide. A child who helps plan a family meal, manages their own homework schedule, or is trusted to pack their own backpack learns they are capable through direct experience rather than being told so.
Limit comparison, including comparison with siblings. Avoid statements that measure one child against another, even in passing, such as “your sister never had trouble with this.” Comparison, even when meant to motivate, tends to communicate that a child’s worth is relative rather than inherent, and it can quietly damage sibling relationships along the way.
Stay involved in their digital world. Since social comparison is one of the biggest modern threats to self-esteem, ongoing conversation about what your child sees online, and how it makes them feel, matters more than restricting access alone. Asking open questions, such as what kinds of posts make them feel worse about themselves, can open a conversation that a blanket screen time rule cannot.
Notice and name your child’s strengths outside of achievement. It is easy to default to praising grades, goals, or trophies, since those are the most visible wins. Try noticing character strengths as well, such as kindness to a younger sibling, patience with a hard task, or a good sense of humor during a rough day. This teaches children that their worth extends beyond what they produce or perform.
Signs It May Be a Concern
Some dips in confidence are a normal part of growing up. Every child has a bad week after a tough loss or a hard test, and that alone is not cause for concern. What is worth paying closer attention to is a pattern that persists. Watch for a child who frequently puts themselves down or says things like “I’m bad at everything,” avoids new activities out of fear of failing, has difficulty accepting compliments or immediately dismisses them, withdraws from friends or activities they used to enjoy, or shows a marked change in mood, sleep, or eating that lines up with school or social stress.
In older children and teens, a self-esteem concern can also show up as perfectionism, difficulty tolerating any mistake, or excessive reassurance seeking, where a child repeatedly asks whether they did something right or whether they are liked.
If these patterns last more than a few weeks or begin to interfere with school, friendships, or daily functioning, it is a sign that more support may help.
What to Do Next
Start by creating space for an honest conversation. Many children, especially older ones, will not volunteer that they are struggling with how they feel about themselves, so a direct, low-pressure question can open the door: “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed hard on yourself lately, do you want to talk about it?”
If the concern continues, a mental health provider who works with children and teens can help. Low self-esteem can be connected to underlying anxiety, depression, ADHD, or difficult peer experiences, and therapy can address both the surface concern and what is driving it. Evidence-based approaches, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, are effective at helping children build a more accurate and compassionate view of themselves, and at helping parents adjust the everyday interactions that shape a child’s sense of worth.
Confidence is not something a child either has or does not have. It grows through thousands of small moments, and parents are in a powerful position to shape which direction it grows in.
Supporting Families at Bain Health and Wellness Center in Arlington, MA, and Throughout Massachusetts
If you are noticing signs that your child’s self-esteem needs support, you are not alone. At Bain Health and Wellness Center, our experienced therapists work with children, adolescents, young adults, and parents to address concerns related to self-esteem, ADHD, autism, anxiety, depression, and more. We help families build the kind of everyday interactions that research shows make the biggest difference, while giving children tools to develop a more compassionate and confident relationship with themselves. We offer both in-person and virtual therapy throughout Massachusetts, providing individualized support to help children and teens thrive.
References
Xing, S., Gao, X., Jiang, Y., Archer, M., & Liu, X. (2018). Effects of Ability and Effort Praise on Children’s Failure Attribution, Self-Handicapping, and Performance. Frontiers in Psychology, 9, 1883. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6176062/
Li, W., Tan, F., Zhou, Z., Xue, Y., Gu, C., & Xu, X. (2022). Parents’ Response to Children’s Performance and Children’s Self-Esteem: Parent-Child Relationship and Friendship Quality as Mediators. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 19(10), 6012. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9140350/
Today’s Parent. “11 Tips on Building Self-Esteem in Children.” Updated January 21, 2026. https://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/how-to-build-your-childs-self-esteem/
Zhao, L., Heyman, G. D., Chen, L., & Lee, K. (2017). Praising Young Children for Being Smart Promotes Cheating. Psychological Science, 28(12), 1868-1870. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0956797617721529
