When children can name what they’re feeling, they gain one of the most powerful tools for emotional regulation. An emotional vocabulary doesn’t prevent big feelings, but it helps children, and adults, understand their emotions, communicate them, and begin to manage them effectively. Without this awareness, it can be difficult to identify the strategies needed to regulate emotions or solve the challenges they face.
Even when your child names their feelings, they might still get upset or have a meltdown and that’s okay. What matters is that by giving their emotions a name, they feel heard, understood, and supported. This simple step can help soften strong feelings and make it easier for them to calm down and regain a sense of balance.
The Why: Why Emotional Vocabulary Matters
Emotions Drive Behavior
Emotions are used to guide behavior, decision-making, and regulation. When a child doesn’t yet have words to explain how they feel, those emotions often come out through behavior that looks like meltdowns, withdrawal, aggression, or tears. An emotional vocabulary gives children a way to express what’s happening internally before it escalates.
The First Step to Managing Emotions
If a child can recognize “I’m starting to feel upset” or “I’m getting frustrated,” they’re much more likely to use coping strategies successfully. Emotional regulation works best before emotions become overwhelming, not once a child is already dysregulated.
Teaching children to verbalize feelings early (both positive and challenging) lays the groundwork for lifelong emotional awareness. It also helps children make sense of their experiences and convey their feelings to others:
- “You seem really excited about your sleepover.”
- “You seem upset that your brother got more candy.”
Feeling Seen and Validated
Naming a child’s emotions helps them feel understood, validated, and seen. It communicates: “Your feelings make sense.”
This validation normalizes their experience which is essential for emotional development. When children feel understood, they’re more likely to stay connected, calm more quickly, and learn from the experience.
Validation Is Not the Same as Giving In
It’s important to note that validating feelings does not mean catering to disappointment or changing boundaries. For example, your child may feel upset about not being allowed to watch TV, and you can acknowledge their disappointment while still guiding them to the next activity.
“I know you’re really upset that TV time is over. It’s hard to stop something you enjoy. We’re still moving on to dinner now.”
This approach supports emotional awareness while maintaining structure and expectations. It can also gently lower emotional intensity and help them regain calm.
Supporting Transitions
Transitions, especially from preferred to non-preferred activities, are common triggers for emotional dysregulation. Emotional language helps children move from one challenging moment to the next by giving them a framework for understanding what they’re experiencing instead of becoming overwhelmed by it.
The How: Building Emotional Vocabulary in Everyday Life
Model Emotional Language
Modeling is one of the most effective teaching tools. Children learn how to talk about feelings by hearing adults do it.
Examples:
- “I’m so excited to see the rest of the family later.”
- “I feel a little sad that the weekend is over.”
- “I’m frustrated that traffic is slow, so I’m taking a deep breath.”
This shows children that emotions are normal, that feelings can be named, and feelings can also be managed.
Rate the Intensity of Feelings
Not all emotions are the same intensity. Helping children understand this can significantly reduce emotional overwhelm.
Use a simple scale:
- 1–5 or 1–10
- “You seem like you’re at a 3 frustrated.”
- “That looks like a 10-out-of-10 angry.”
This teaches children that:
- It’s okay to feel angry, sad, or frustrated
- Feelings exist on a spectrum
- Intensity can change
Even when a child is angry, it can be helpful to talk about the difference between feeling a little angry and feeling very angry. This also helps children understand that coping strategies like deep breathing, taking a break, or asking for a hug may not make the anger go away completely, but can help calm their feelings and make them easier to manage.
Reduce the Intensity Without Dismissing the Feeling
The goal isn’t to push feelings aside—it’s to lower their intensity so they’re manageable. For example you may want to say: “I see how upset you are. Let’s take a breath together to help bring that feeling down.” This communicates that the feeling is allowed, and we’re working to make it smaller, not erase it.
Name More Than One Feeling
Children (and adults) often feel multiple emotions at once.
You might say:
- “You’re excited to go to the party and also nervous about being away from home.”
- “You’re proud of yourself and disappointed it didn’t go the way you hoped.”
This builds emotional complexity and helps children understand that mixed feelings are normal.
Teach Coping Skills Early
Coping strategies work best when they are used early, before emotions feel out of control. The goal is to notice and name the feeling and use a strategy before it escalates. For example, instead of waiting until a child is at a 10 out of 10 angry, it is more effective to step in when they are around a 5 or 6, which can help prevent a full meltdown.
Examples of early coping tools:
- Deep breathing
- Movement
- Distraction
- Asking for help
- Taking a break
Understanding the Neurology of Strong Emotions
From a brain-based perspective, strong emotions activate the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for threat detection and emotional responses. When emotions become intense, the prefrontal cortex which manages reasoning, language, and problem-solving goes offline.
When a child is dysregulated, crying, yelling, or shutting down, their brain isn’t ready to reason. At that point, the emotional centers of the brain take over, making it very difficult to think clearly or use coping strategies. Long explanations, lectures, or threats of consequences often increase their sense of overwhelm rather than helping them calm down. The priority should be helping them regain calm before expecting reasoning or compliance. That’s why children struggle to talk during meltdowns or logic doesn’t work when emotions are high.
Teaching emotional vocabulary before big emotions hit helps keep the thinking brain engaged longer and supports regulation.
To Conclude
Helping your child build an emotional vocabulary is not about preventing emotion but about giving them the tools to understand and manage them. When children can name what they feel, they’re better equipped to cope, connect, and grow.
Emotional awareness is a skill that develops over time, with patience, modeling, and consistency. Every time you name a feeling, validate an experience, or guide your child through a transition, you’re helping wire their brain for emotional resilience, one word at a time.
Supporting Your Child’s Emotional Development at The Bain Health and Wellness Center in Arlington, MA, and Throughout Massachusetts
If your child struggles to express their feelings, manage big emotions, or move through transitions, extra support can make a meaningful difference. At Bain Health and Wellness Center, our experienced therapists work with children, teens, and young adults to build emotional awareness, communication skills, and healthy coping strategies. We offer both in-person and virtual therapy for concerns including emotional regulation challenges, autism, ADHD, anxiety, depression, trauma, OCD, and more. Every therapist on our team is trained in evidence-based approaches and understands the importance of meeting each child where they are.
Reference
American Psychological Association. (2023). How to help kids understand and manage their emotions. APA.org. https://www.apa.org/topics/parenting/emotion-regulation
